This is the only place where I feel safe to write. This is the only place where I can vent, so excuse this lame whining post about the shit going on in my life, but I need this right now. I just can’t hide the anxiety anymore.
I’m fucking worried.
I have dug myself so far into debt I can barely breathe. I have no job. I can’t get a job because my mom was just diagnosed with stage one breast cancer and needs to be driven to her radiation and chemo appointments everyday because she has no car. I’m so worried I won’t be able to put gas in my car to get her back and forth. It makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. My mother needs me more than ever right now, and I’m failing. Fucking failing her so bad.
I’m doing hair to get by; to make a little side cash.
It’s not enough. I’m having to borrow money from my boyfriend to keep my car legal. Without him, I wouldn’t have my state tags. Its just the worst possible feeling; taking money from someone you love so much. From somebody you want to see you in a positive light. It’s so frustrating. I know he only wants to help, but he shouldn’t have to.
I suffer from panic attacks and severe anxiety.
Typing all this is helping me out more than I ever thought it would. To just get every thing out there in the open. And you’re probably thinking, “This selfish bitch. How can she keep rambling on about herself when she should be thinking about her mother?” Trust me. I’m thinking the exact same thing. I try to be a little less selfish each day. I really do. But I can’t help the fact that I’m worried and I feel helpless. I didn’t type all of this out for sympathy. I didn’t even type all this out for anyone to read. Ignore it. Honestly, I don’t care, because this helped me. It’s calmed me down and helps me focus on my next move.
Shit, I’ll probably read this in a few days, get pissed off at myself, and delete it.
… Until then.